Meeting at Night
by geekchic79
Summary: Hanschen returns home for the first time in ten years only to find everything, and everyone is not as he expected. Torn between love and guilt he must rediscover the truth behind one particular person whom he thought he'd had to leave forever.
1. You must meet my wife

Meeting at Night

"Darling, what are you still doing down here? The guests will be arriving in an hour and I-"

Mr Rillow sighed, leaning further back against the grassy bank leading up to the sandy stone walls of his manor house, if there was one thing he hated more than his wife, it was his wife's dinner parties.

"I need you to soak those exotic little green things that Mr Nachtbarn brought us last week in brine. Somebody has to flambé the cucumbers and I've got about thirty six napkins to iron into swans and if you think you're going to laze about writing in that ridiculous journal all evening you've got another thing coming!"

Twenty-five years old and you'd have thought he'd have learnt to play the system well enough to find a wife who didn't think a gherkin was the height of sophistication. The marriage had been a political one, "a perfect match" his late father had said as he stuffed the dowry dollars in his fat leather wallet. Now the house where they had held a cold wedding reception was too vast and echoed with that unfriendly tone of skeletons in closets. There were no children to speak of, ("how odd" the neighbours had said) just him, her, occasionally a black cat who answered to the name Jasper and sadly, tonight, one hundred guests from the Berlin Bank, his 'esteemed colleagues' bound to sycophantic, ingratiating bursts of laughter every time he made the slightest amusing comment.

"Seven years I've been married to you and all you ever do is write or work at the bank. You never have time for me! Well?! Are you going to come and help or not?"

Mr Rillow snapped his journal shut and stalked past his wife back up to the house, running a hand distractedly through his perfectly coiffed blonde hair.

"Where do you think you're going?!"

"Actually, I've been meaning to tell you that"

"What?"

"I'm thinking of taking a trip"

"A trip? You must be mad if you think you're leaving Berlin this week! Why, the Hochgestochen's Bridge party is this Sunday!

"Much as it pains me to miss the highlight of everyone's social calendar-"

"And I was planning on re-covering the cushions! I needed you to come and help me to buy ribbon, what are you trying to do to me?!"

"I'm going home."

"And for how long?"

"A week, maybe two-"

Mrs Rillow did not say another word, turning on her heal she marched round to the front of the house, lips pursed in tight disapproval.

"You're in for one of her hissy fits now Mr R" a gap toothed servant was standing by his side.

"It hardly matters" he replied coldly

"What'ya going back home for any way?" the servant continued, "you 'aven't left Berlin since you got married, I fought everything wiv ya parents deaths was taken care of?"

"It's on, business."

"Really sir? I'm no expert but I didn't fink much in the way of banking went on outside of the city-"

"Then you will think no more of it."

"Right sir, sorry sir" the servant began to start back towards the cellar, a sack of coal over one shoulder

"A piece of land has recently come to my attention, I will need to take some time to travel to survey it and see if it holds any great value. It just so happens to be on the border of my old home town."

"Right you are sir,"

The servant paused, casting a glance at the eyes of his master, they had always seemed so dull and cold before, now there was a faint sparkle, as if he had just remembered the punch line to some particularly amusing anecdote, but the mouth didn't smile, it never did. Mr Rillow had begun to walk back down the grassy bank to his spot under a withered tree,

The servant called after him "What piece of land is it sir?"

Mr Rillow turned; his hand clutched the journal a little tighter,

"A vineyard."


	2. Remember?

A/N _italics = memories (flashbacks)_

The train rocked steadily back and forth, the grey sea and the long black land sprawled through the carriage window, dimly lit by the pale half moon.

Hanschen lay curled up in his seat; finally released from the suffocating restrictions of his wife's dinner party etiquette he had caught the midnight train out of Berlin. He was going home. Now his piercing blue eyes glanced up at the ceiling, resting his head on the sharp corner of the seat's worn cushion, sleep began to take over his already numb body.

"_Come on!"_

"_Hanschen I'm scared!" you giggle_

"_There's nothing to be scared of! Just jump across!"_

"_I'll get wet" your uncertain brown eyes fix on mine_

"_The water isn't even that deep!"_

"_Would you save me if I fell?"_

"_I'd grow wings and fly you to safety if I had to!"_

_You cock your head, laughing_

"_Promise?"_

"_Just take my hand!"_

_You close your eyes and reach out, then in an instant you slip on the wet rocks and plummet into the lagoon_

"_ERNST!"_

_I rip off my school shirt and dive into the water, thrashing around until my hand clasps around your thin arm, pulling you upwards again, spluttering-_

"_You saved me! I knew you would!"_

_You're smiling. I let go of your arm, pushing my wet hair away from my face, "That's not funny!"_

_I smash our lips together, wanting to hurt you, biting down hard on your soft skin, almost hating you for making me care so much, there are hot tears on my cheek, I brush them away furiously,_

_You rest your forehead against mine, "I'm sorry-" _

"Excuse me sir" A tall, anxious looking woman with wavy red hair tapped on Hanschen's shoulder, rousing him from his daydream, "are you sure you're quite alright, you were twitching in your sleep, I thought maybe I should wake you-"

"I'm fine, thank you,"

"Are you travelling far?"

"To Reutlingen, and you?"

"Only to Stuttgart, I'm visiting family," she paused, "do you have any cigs?"

"Of course" Hanschen took a worn, battered silver case and lighter from his pocket, and handed a cigarette to the woman

"What a pretty case…" she offered

"You're lying," Hanschen smiled, busy rolling a cigarette for himself

The woman blushed, "But a beautiful inscription," she squinted through the dim light of the carriage, "And taken by light in his arms at long and dear last…  
I may without fail suffer the first vision that set fire to the stars"

She smiled again, "from a lover?"

"Yes"

"Lost? It's so often the way with these things-"

"Yes,"

Hanschen turned away, staring angrily out of the frozen window pain, "And it was my fault,"

"Oh come now, I'm sure it wasn't-"

"Please- don't."

A silence

"You wouldn't understand"

"Try me"

Hanschen turned to face the young woman, her skin was almost too pale, red hair pulled hurriedly away from her thin face, she reached out a hand, he flinched away. The carriage was empty except for the two of them, the lights flickered

"I was so young-" he began

And all she did was listen,

"My father he said, 'Boy you've been spending to much time gallivanting off with friends, its time you settled' they found me a wife, the daughter of a wealthy banker from Berlin, I didn't have a choice and he-"

"He?"

"-he always told me he loved me, I didn't want to hurt him, I _didn't_, so I told him, told him that it hadn't meant anything, any of it. God. I just wanted to make it easier, so he wouldn't have to say goodbye, so he wouldn't have to feel so much sadness, and now-"

The woman looked frightened; Hanschen's voice began to rise as he spat the words out,

"Now its all I think about, he's all I think about every bloody second of every bloody day, have you any idea what that's like?"

The woman drew herself up to her full height, stepping smartly away from Hanschen, "I most certainly do not! I suggest you seek help in prayer from the Lord our God sir, meanwhile I do not intend to spend the rest of this carriage journey pent up with some degenerate! I will bid you good night!" She marched briskly from the carriage, sharply shutting the door.

Hanschen slammed his feet against the opposite seat in frustration, then he almost burst out laughing, what else had he really expected from the close-minded, bourgeois fools of the second class carriages? Torn between reaching for his journal and a fitful attempt at further sleep he glanced again at the looming mountain ranges the train now sped past.

Eventually he reached for the battered red book, keeping a journal was something Ernst had always done, but eventually the gentle rocking motion of the carriage meant that distant memories swam once again into view.

"_Hanschen?"_

_I recognise you straight away, its been a year but you look as perfect as ever, messy shock of raven black hair, skin so eerily pale its almost iridescent, I feel my stomach leap. God. I can't believe it's really you, _

"_Ernst, God its good to see your face-" I whisper_

"_Mr Rillow?"_

_Several of my colleagues and their wives are standing in the hallway behind us,_

"_I'd stay away from that man if I were you Mr Rillow, I saw him arrive on this morning's train, he headed straight for the local artisan house!"_

_The wives emit shocked cries, your dark eyes glance at the floor and then back at me as you start to speak, thoughts leaping ahead like lightening, dragging your mouth behind, "I'm sorry, I wasn't- I just came to see-"_

"_Mr Rillow I need hardly remind you that your father's affairs must be set in order before we plan the 'finance Zürich' takeover, time is money, we must get back to the meeting, wouldn't you agree?"_

"_I-"_

"_That wasn't a question-"_

"_please-" you stutter_

"_I didn't think you were the type to associate with degenerates, very bad for business indeed, the members club will be hearing of this. Mr Rillow do you know this man?"_

_The painter's bag you carry under your arm, your messy hair, your rosy cheeks are disgusting to them and their sleek suits, they mass around the door, a crude hand on my shoulder._

"_No," my voice catches in my throat, "never seen him before in my life"_

Hanschen woke in a cold sweat, the train had ground to a halt and the bright lights of the station hurt his eyes, he ran a shaky hand through his hair and, seizing his belongings, made his swift exit from the train.

The station looked the same, although maybe a little smaller, he walked hurriedly down the dark pathway in the direction of the Robel's house, but when he reached it no one was to be found. The old austere farmhouse seemed completely deserted, the gate creaked, and an eerie, deafening silence pressed in upon his ears, he walked through the towering fir trees to the house that backed on to Ernst's, it was late, but maybe Anna would still be there…

Hanschen knocked rapidly on the door; almost immediately it creaked open a tiny fraction and he saw one bright brown eye peak round the old wooden frame

"What do you want?"

"Anna it's me, Hanschen-" he whispered

The door didn't open any further,

"What do you want?"

"Where is he-"

"you're one to ask!" Anna whispered furiously, "I ought to send you away right now for all you've done to him-"

"please-" Hanschen cut in

"Let him in," a soft voice from behind Anna, followed by a hand with bitten fingernails that eased the door open,

"Ilse!"

Hanschen made to clasp both girls in his arms, it had been so long, but only Ilse returned his wholehearted embrace.

"you'd better come in," she whispered

Hanschen laid his coat and bag by the glow of the fire, Ilse closed the door, shutting the cold out and lit a single oil lamp.

A door towards the end of a hall that led away from the kitchen rattled suddenly.

Hanschen turned to the two girls, "Ernst," he said breathlessly, "do you know where he is?"

Ilse looked at the floor, Anna continued to fix her gaze fiercely upon him, "I don't see why we should-"

"Down the hall," Ilse whispered, handing him the oil lamp, Hanschen looked again at her young face, she was crying-

Anna grabbed his sleeve, "Before you see him-"

But Hanschen had already started down the hall, unable to contain himself he started to run, already preparing what he was going to say, he wrenched open the rattling door, the lock stuck a little but at last it was open, Hanschen stared desperately around the sparse room. The glass oil lamp crashed to the floor at the sight of what he found…


	3. A little night music

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to the lovely kkathy55, for her incredibly sweet message; unfortunately your private messenger feature is disabled so I can't reply to you properly but thank you so much!

The room was pitch black, but by the light of the moon Hanschen could just make out hundreds of paintings tacked to the walls, the same scene, over and over and over again, a vineyard, the trees gnarled, twisted and barren like the haunted forest from a child's nightmare, screaming shadow faces clawing through the canvas, he stepped backwards, crashing against the door frame, with a trembling hand Hanschen reached to the floor for the glass lamp and re-lit it, the light flared and the smell burnt oil filled his nostrils, his eyes began to sting, he felt his throat begin to tighten.

Ernst was not lying on the single wooden bed in the corner of the room; in fact he was hunched up beside it. Although Hanschen knew that he must have been at almost twenty five he still looked like a child, his striped blue pyjamas swamped his pale emaciated frame. The bones of his shoulder blades jutting harshly outwards. A too thin pale face with huge dark hollow eyes, whose lids fluttered strangely through disturbed sleep. His skeletal hands clutched a red backed journal so tight that his knuckles were white, he was curled into a ball as if he were trying to make himself disappear.

"Ernst" it was meant to come out as a command but the word stuck in Hanschen's throat

"Ernst wake up."

Hot tears began to pool in his eyes, "Ernst, wake up?"

He crossed the room swiftly, taking the boy's face in his frozen hands, he was shivering, but Ernst's face was hot-

"I- its me-"

Ernst made no sound, Hanschen reached out to touch him but even before he made contact Ernst had flinched away. His pyjamas were buttoned up in the wrong order and Hanschen saw deep scars running across his chest.

"He won't wake"

Hanschen turned sharply to see Ilse standing in the darkened doorway,

"He doesn't sleep long, only a couple of hours, he won't wake until 4am"

She entered the room, stooping to crouch beside Ernst, smoothing his shock of black hair, Ernst's rapid, shallow breathing began to ease.

"He always wakes up later with me,"

"Hanschen, he isn't with you anymore, he hasn't been with you since-"

"But I-"

Ernst's hand had loosened from his journal, he clutched at the hem of Ilse's dress drawing it closer to him in sleep, like a blanket-

"You left," Anna's voice came from behind Hanschen

"I didn't have a choice I-"

"You always have a choice"

Hanschen placed a hand on Ernst's burning forehead, "he needs something cold"

Ilse turned to face him with tired eyes, "leave him be,"

"I can't-"

"Really? It seems all you've done for the last ten years is 'leave him be'" Anna's words tumbled out in anger, she avoided his gaze,

"You think its been easy?" Hanschen's breathing was heavy; he rounded on Anna, forcing her to press back against the painting-covered wall.

Tears seemed to burn in her sky blue eyes, "Do you think it's been easy for us?"

"For you?!" Hanschen slammed his hand against the wall,

"Shhhh!" Ilse hissed, Ernst began to stir,

"Please, Hanschen, you have to go-"

"What? No! I want to see him-" Ilse backed away slightly, Hanschen's eyes burned with intensity, he didn't move.

"Hanschen please, he's waking up-"

"Tell me what's going on!" Hanschen was shouting now, his voice almost pleading

And then the screams came, Ernst's whole body began to shake at the high pitched screams tore and tore and tore through his throat, Ilse clutched his head to her breast, rocking him back and forth, Anna ran to the window, wrenching down the sash and slamming the shutters, Ernst continued to shake and scream, tears pouring down his thin face. Hanschen stood routed to the spot, unable to move.

"Stop it" the words had passed his lips before he even knew what he was saying, "Stop it, Stop it! STOP IT!" he ran towards Ernst, in a blind attempt to mute the harsh cries that ripped through the room he seized Ernst's wrists and began to scream with him, "STOP IT!"

Anna place a firm hand on his shoulder, "Hanschen,"

Tears streaked his face, "please-"

"come on, you'll see him again in the morning"

It seemed as if Ernst had quietened now, his screams were reduced to sobs, still through his sleep he began to pull away from Ilse, she caught onto Anna's sleeve,

"I'll come out in a minute,"

Anna sighed and lightly squeezed Ilse's shoulder, leading Hanschen back through into the crowded kitchen.

SPRINGAWAKENING SPRINGAWAKENING SPRINGAWAKENING

SPRINGAWAKENINGSPRINGAWAKENING

He took a seat at the small oak table, set for three; Anna stoked the fire, filling the room with warmth so that the colour that had drained from Hanschen's cheeks began to return.

"Tea?"

Anna didn't wait for an answer but rapidly set a large teapot with a town scene painted on the side down on the table, the people on the teapot milled about their daily business as if all they had to do that day was dream, and smile and meet the other members of their tiny painted community,

"What a beautiful tea set," the absurdity of his small talk grated against the silence,

Anna smiled weakly, "Ernst painted that for us, before he," she paused, "before he came here."

Hanschen traced the image of the town hall with his finger, it was something Ernst would have done- Ernst. At was as if he had almost forgotten everything he had just seen. He sat bolt upright as Ilse re-entered the room.

"How is he?"

Ilse watched the blonde man rise from his seat, despite everything she had thought about him, it seemed like something had cut through that confident rouse of his, something was under his skin, what if he really did love him?

"He's settled," Ilse almost smiled, "he's gone back to sleep,"

Anna nodded, shakily handing Ilse a hot cup of tea

"Thank you,"

"What's wrong with him?" Hanschen's voice cut through the silence, somehow it felt awkward and strange to sit once again with people with whom he had spent so much of his childhood, at was as if they inhabited a world of which he was no longer a part.

"There's nothing wrong with him," Anna whispered fiercely

"Anna," Ilse laid a hand on her arm, Anna lent back in her chair, passing a hand over her forehead, the solitary candle on the table began to gutter, Ilse continued:

"We found him a few months ago; God knows where he's been the last ten years, we knew he was a painter for a while, he used to write, once or twice he visited,"

"So, when we found- I mean, when he turned up here, I looked in the public records office," Anna cut in, "but I hardly discovered a thing, about a year and a half after you left we know he visited Berlin, then he came back here, he didn't look well then, he said he couldn't tell us what'd happened so I said he should get away."

"The records showed he travelled to Vienna," as she talked, Ilse eyes flicked back and forth between Hanschen and the hallway, "we think he might have gone to art school there, his letters became less and less frequent after that, there are records of him selling a few paintings, a few minor convictions, mainly for being found with other men, and then nothing,"

"Nothing?" Hanschen looked at her in disbelief, it was not like the Ernst he knew to just slip off the radar. This was Ernst, who had once walked three miles to tell Hanschen not to sneak through his window that night because his parents were taking him on a trip to see relatives in Stuttgart.

"The records just stop, and we've enough trouble getting a straight word out of him let alone-"

"So in three years, you've had no idea where he's been?" Hanschen cut in,

"You're one to talk," Anna burst out, "God! You come back to our door, just expecting everything to be as you left it, maybe you'll steal Ernst away for the weekend and then go back to your perfect life in Berlin, and what happens to him?"

"That's not why I came-"

"Oh really?!" Anna exclaimed, "then why did you come?!"

"You don't understand, I never meant to- God, you don't-"

"That's enough," Ilse said quietly, "We'll discuss this in the morning," she placed a hand on Hanschen's shoulder, "There's a spare bed through that door," she pointed to a thick wooden door to the right of the fireplace, "maybe you can see Ernst again in the morning."

"Right," tension buzzed in the air, Hanschen turned as he started for the small side room, "thank you-"

"your welcome," Anna replied quietly,

"Hanschen?"

"Yes?"

"Does 'Tiergartenstrasse' mean anything to you?"

Hanschen struggled to think, "no, why?"

Ilse made a half attempt at a smile, "no, don't worry, no reason."


	4. NowLaterSoon

Now/Later/Soon

It was 8 o'clock in the morning, Hanschen sat in thought at the small wooden table, the cramped homely kitchen seemed so peaceful at this early morning hour, the light, patterned curtains were pulled slightly ajar so he could just make out the first glimpses of the sun shining weakly through the trees. There was a vase of lavender on the table; Hanschen ran his fingers lightly up one of the stems.

"Hello."

Hanschen whirled round; he hadn't noticed Ernst slip through the side door, still dressed in his pyjamas,

"What are you doing in Ilse's kitchen?" Ernst rubbed his head, confused, further dishevelling his shock of black hair, he didn't look as if he had slept.

"I came to see you," Hanschen started forward, wanting to hug Ernst, wanting to do so much more than that but sensing that somehow maybe he shouldn't

Ernst was stood routed to the spot, his eyes searched frantically for either one of the two girls, his voice was unsteady, "Why would you come and see me?" he pressed his hands to his ears, "Why don't they ever stop ringing those bells? Don't they know people want some quiet round Christmas?"

Hanschen glanced apprehensively out of the window at the now bright June sunlight, "Ernst there are no bells…"

"Why do you know my name? Ernst paused worried, "Should I go and get Anna?"

"Ernst it's me!" Hanschen gestured to himself, as if it would somehow expand Ernst's understanding of the situation.

Ernst stood for a minute and then smiled pleasantly, "Hello me-"

Hanschen's arms fell by his sides, he stepped back

Anna bustled into the kitchen, "Ernst sweetheart, be polite,"

The boy smiled happily in Anna's direction, "I am always polite,"

"Ernst it's me, Hanschen," Hanschen tried desperately again to gain some form of recognition,

Ernst flinched slightly, but then his smile resumed, as if it hadn't happened, "Hello Hanschen," his voice was shy, he looked around unsure and then, as if deciding nothing was wrong, he sat down at the table, "One, two, three-" he counted laboriously on his thin, grubby fingers, "three! There are only three chairs and there are four of us!" he looked worriedly up at Anna turning in his seat, his voice shook, "Where will Ilse sit?"

Anna placed a reassuring hand on his bony shoulder, "Don't worry love, Hanschen wont mind giving up his seat. Ernst your hands are filthy! What have you been doing?"

Ernst's voice began to rise, "painting, Ilse said I should paint you a picture for your birthday, as a surprise,"

Hanschen tried to catch Anna's eye but she continued to examine Ernst's fingers, her tone had softened, "Well that was very sweet of you," she hesitated, "did you sleep well?"

Ernst shook his head, but he seemed calmer now, he began to tap out a rhythm on the table, staring absentmindedly at a spot just above Hanschen's head, Hanschen turned, there was nothing there.

"Ernst-" for the second time that day the name caught in his throat

"Yes? Oh! I'm sorry!" Ernst fixed his eyes intensely on Hanschen's concerned ones; he grabbed one of Hanschen's hands with ice cold fingers. "Tell me the date you were born and I can tell you the exact day of the week, and exactly where it was!"

Hanschen looked round for help, but Anna had left them alone,

"Ernst, you know when my birthday is, you know where I was born," he gripped Ernst's hand tight, "In the same place as you, remember?"

Ernst pulled away, hunching his shoulders and squirming in his stiff kitchen chair, "I- I don't know where I was born-"

Hanschen felt his voice rise, "you must know where you were born, in Reutlingen, like me!"

Ernst shook his head frantically, mumbling into his pyjama top, "I don't, I don't-"

"Ernst stop it! Please!"

Ernst cut in, smiling again-

"When is your birthday Hanschen?"

Hanschen tried to stay calm, "7th April."

Ernst smiled self consciously, his eyes flickering erratically between Hanschen and the door to Anna's bedroom, "I bet you had lots of birthday parties, Anna won't let me have a birthday party, I wanted to invite everyone from the village here but she says they can't come-"

Hanschen smiled weakly, his hand found its way across the table where it lightly stroked the side of Ernst's clenched fist "We used to have lots of birthday parties, you and me, one year we went to Berlin! Just got on the train and did it, stayed there a whole night and came back in the morning! God, our parents went mad. I couldn't see you for three whole days because of the bruises-"

Ernst frowned, "but I've never met you,"

Hanschen tensed, "Ernst we were together," swiftly he reached over the table, placing a soft kiss on Ernst's lips, closing his eyes, he felt everything he needed to, he felt Ernst's body weaken into him, and then an unshakeable feeling of guilt, as if he was taking advantage,

"Oh god,"

Hanschen almost smiled, "mmmmm, I know,"

Ernst's eyes were frightened now; his hands gripped the edge of the chair, he pulled away, "They said I'm not supposed to-"

"Morning boys!" Ilse waltzed into the kitchen, an honest smile played on her lips, "don't let me interrupt,"

Ernst blushed and got up from the table to hug Ilse, "Good morning Ilse," he was a little taller than her but he snuggled happily into her shoulder, "Anna said Hanschen is going to give up his seat for you,"

Ilse nodded cheerfully at the young man, "Well I'm sure Hanschen can keep his seat at the table for today,"

Smiling happily Ernst sat down again,

"Do you want something to eat?" Anna had re-entered the room with half a dozen fresh eggs in her apron

"Yes please!" Hanschen and Ernst replied at the same time, Ilse could hardly contain her laughter, Ernst giggled shyly.

Anna took the seat next to Ernst, laying a rack of toast on the table

"Anna please may you help me put the topping on mine?" Ernst asked shyly, Anna obliged, "Last week I tried to put the jam on my self and it went all over the floor and the floor went all sticky so then Anna said that I should ask for help from now on" Ernst's words tumbled out, barely managing to arrange themselves in the correct order before they left his lips.

Anna smiled tersely, "Yes well let's just gloss over that,"

Hanschen could hardly tear his eyes away from the boy opposite, what had happened to him? This wasn't the Ernst he knew, it was like watching a child in a twenty-five year old's body. How couldn't Ernst remember? Everything they'd-

"Ilse, about what you said last night," the memory thrust itself to the forefront of Hanschen's mind,

Ilse flashed him a warning look, Anna continued to help Ernst butter his toast,

Uncertainly he continued, "I have heard of that place before, it's in Berlin, a couple of months ago, my banking firm acted for the people occupying a building on the same street,"

Ernst continued to stare pleasantly at the ceiling, "what place?"

"Tiergartenstrasse"

Ernst looked straight at Hanschen with bolting intensity, "NO! They said I mustn't, I said I wouldn't, I wouldn't I wouldn't I wouldn't-"

"Ernst," Anna placed a hand on his arm, "Ernst what are you talking about sweetheart?"

Ernst turned to her fearfully, his dark brown eyes wide, "he shouldn't be here, they made me say I wouldn't-"

"Ernst," Ilse cupped his face in her hands, "Ernst its ok sweetie, calm down, why don't you go and get dressed and Hanschen will take you for a walk, you like walks don't you?"

Ernst took one last shuddering breath, and his shoulders relaxed, "Yes, that would be nice."

Hanschen sat stiffly at the stable, unable to take everything in,

"Go on you two, Ernst, Hanschen will wait outside for you, go and get changed and go for your walk," Anna breathed shakily

"Yes," Ernst repeated, standing up unsteadily from the table, "Yes. That would be nice."


	5. In praise of women?

"If someone doesn't tell me what's going on right now," Hanschen hissed the second Ernst had shut the door to his bedroom, "I swear to God-"

"Alright," Anna hushed, "alright,"

She lent back in her chair, rubbing her tired eyes with one bitten-nailed hand, her shoulders tensed, Ilse placed a hand on her arm,

"Let me,"

Anna nodded, looking at the floor,

"He's been like this ever since we found him," she began gently,

"I thought you said he came here?"

Anna shook her head sadly, "we found him in the vineyard, clothes torn, bruises up his arms and legs, he didn't look like he'd eaten for days, weeks even, so we brought him here,"

"He was so out of it, he barely remembered who we were, and he kept talking about bells ringing,"

"He said that to me!" Hanschen gesticulated towards Ernst's bedroom door, almost perversely happy to be included in Ernst's warped sense of reality, "just before breakfast, he asked me why they wouldn't stop,"

Ilse nodded at him and continued, "when we got him back here he passed out, I thought he was drunk, it wasn't until the next morning until we noticed anything was really wrong,"

Anna sighed, "sometimes he has bad days, worse than this even, you can hardly get a word out of him and then when you do its all nonsense,"

"And then there are other days," Ilse cut in, "he has moments when he's almost normal," she smiled, "and it's like we were all sixteen again,"

Hanschen swallowed hard, "What happened to him?"

Ilse shook her head, "we don't know, "The only thing we've ever gotten out of him, is that word," Ilse continued, "Tiergartenstrasse', and then a number, whatever happened, it happened there, at some point in the last three years."

"Anything could have happened to him," Anna mumbled, "he was always so naïve, so trusting"

Hanschen nodded, "but that's him," he glanced angrily at the floor, "I wouldn't change it for the world"

"Worked out well for you though," Anna bit back her reply almost as soon as she'd said it,

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Resentment began to boil over, "You took of advantage of him when you were fifteen, he trusted you, he thought you'd always be there and you left!" Anna's voice shook, "And we've had to pick up the pieces!"

"Do you think I ever stopped loving him?"

"That's not the point!"

"What else could I have done? This is Reutlingen! How could we have stayed together? I did what I thought was best for both of us! You saw what they did to the Herr Lautbrecht-"

"What did they do to Herr Lautbrecht?" Ilse cut in,

"It was a few years before you moved here, Ernst and I were six, Herr Lautbrecht and another man were caught together in the hayloft, they were dragged through the streets, and burnt to death."

"Jesus,"

Hanschen hands began to tremble, "my father took me to watch! He said, 'there boy, that's what happens when you stray from the path of God!"'

"Hanschen, I'm sorry I-"

"Don't-" Hanschen's piercing blue eyes flashed up at Anna, she could see tears,

The sound of something clattering to the floor in Ernst's bedroom cut through the ensuing silence,

"Ernst are you ok?" Ilse called

"Yes!" Ernst's high voice rang through from the bedroom

"Are you nearly ready sweetheart?"

Silence, followed by the sound of a door unlocking, Ernst stumbled out of his bedroom with a stripy scarf wrapped around his head, and half of his clothes on backwards, "Ready!" he sung,

"Oh Ernst," Anna shook her head despairingly

"Yes?"

"Come here and let me dress you properly,"

Ernst fiddled with the cuff of his sleeve, he spoke into his collar, "but I am dressed properly…"

"Ernst your jumper is all skew-whiff," Anna smiled affectionately, "and remember how we talked about how the buttons of your coat should be at the front?"

Ernst looked straight at her, Hanschen shivered, those bright brown eyes could still be as piercing as his own, "I'm not a child."

"Then why have you dressed like one?" Anna smiled jokingly,

Hanschen almost expected Ernst to burst into tears but instead, he laughed,

"God!" he chuckled, throwing his slender body down onto the nearest kitchen chair, He looked sadly up at Anna "Have I been especially bad this morning?"

Ilse smiled weakly, "no worse than usual,"

Ernst turned and saw Hanschen standing by the doorway, he stopped perfectly still, mouth a little open, as if he were trying to form words -but no sound came out. Suddenly his body stiffened again, he sat bolt upright in his chair,

"Ilse? Anna? Can we get them to turn the bells down? My ears hurt, they really hurt Ilse its too loud!"

"Oh no Ernst, Ernst sweetie come back," Ilse ran to his chair kneeling at his feet and grasping his hands with hers, "Ernst?" she gently lifted his chin, his eyes were glazed, he didn't seem to recognise her, his head lolled and twitched, dark hair falling over his face. Then he looked straight at Hanschen,

"are we going for our walk now?"

"Ernst you haven't finished your toast," Anna said irritably

Ernst turned wide concerned eyes on her, "are you angry at me?"

"No Ernst," Anna sighed, "No of course I'm not angry with you, but finish your toast"

"I'm not hungry,"

"Then you can't go for your walk,"

"Oh let him go," Ilse smiled at Ernst, "Your wasting away you know Ernst, you never eat, one day you'll turn sideways and we won't be able to see you!"

Ernst let out a shy giggle, clearly appeased, he grabbed the last slice of toast, he turned to Hanschen, eyes twinkling, "I'd live on love if they'd let me,"

A/N: read on for the next chapter :] twice in one night you lucky things :p


	6. Liaisons

Wenn ich ein Vöglein wär,  
Und auch zwei Flüglein hätt,  
Flög ich zu dir  
Weils aber nicht kann sein  
Weils aber nicht kann sein,  
Bleib ich allhier

_(If I were a little bird  
And had two little wings,  
I'd fly to you.  
But as it can't be  
But as it can't be,  
I always stay here)_

Hanschen could just hear Ernst murmur the words of a children's song as they walked together along the dirt path,

"How much further?"

Hanschen smiled, "Not far! Honestly Ernst I can't believe you don't remember this place," Hanschen scrambled down the grassy bank towards the stream, his elbows and knees were covered in dirt, at was almost as if they were children, together again, he savoured the feeling "we used to come down here everyday," he stopped to catch his breath, "after school"

"You are strange," Ernst observed, sliding down after him, "you do know we've never met before today don't you?"

Hanschen smiled lightly, and reached for Ernst's hand to help him down, Ernst took it and jumped down from the rocks,"

"Have you ever thought about seeing a doctor?" Ernst called after Hanschen who had strode on through the trees towards the river bank,

"Once!" he called back, "but I don't like doctors,"

Ernst gave a small smile, dark lashes delicately framing his eyelids as he looked at the ground, "I don't like doctors either,"

"Here!" Hanschen flopped down on the sandy ledge overhanging a bend in the stream,

Ernst sat down cautiously beside him, panting a little from the hike, smoothing down his ill fitting dark suit "What now?"

"What we used to do everyday,"

"What?" said Ernst curiously,

"Lie back on the grass," Hanschen continued, "and just be still," he stretched himself out beneath the sun, Ernst did as we was told, and lowered himself gingerly to the ground.

"Good," Hanschen observed, "now close your eyes," he smiled across at the dark haired boy, it was as if Ernst was already more peaceful, his shoulders began to lose some of their tension, his eyes drifting shut.

After the pressures of school and home, hiding from their schoolmasters, preachers and occasionally friends the clearing has always provided a kind of relief, a tranquillity in the old days, Hanschen wondered if Ernst would remember, watching as the younger man squidged his toes playfully in the wet sand.

He wasn't sure exactly why he had decided to come home in the end, his late father having led him to believe that the skinny, effeminate object of his affections had left the town soon after he had left for Berlin. His mind drifted back to the scene some weeks earlier that had first planted the idea in his mind.

"_Darling look at this!" his wife squawked _

_Hanschen barely glanced up from his notes, "Yes dear, lovely dear,"_

"_Hanschen you aren't even looking properly!" his wife's voice was borderline hysterical_

_Hanschen sighed deeply, dragging himself up from his seat at the table, "What is it?"_

"_Look at this lovely painting I found for the living room, Molly said she got it at a flea market of all places! But it is fine-looking, maybe these artisans aren't as stupid and worthless as they seem!"_

_Hanschen stared at her in disbelief,_

"_They're not-"he began in vain, but then his eyes caught sight of the painting, it really was beautiful, dreaming spires of the churches and towers of Vienna set against a golden pink sunset, and a name scratched in minute letters in the bottom right hand corner, "Ernst Robel"_

It was that Hanschen thought, which had spurred him to return, he had never been one for superstition, but surely that had had to mean something? Suddenly he became aware of Ernst singing the same old nursery rhyme quietly under his breath

Bin ich gleich weit von dir,  
Bin ich doch im Traum bei dir  
Und red mit dir.  
Wenn ich erwachen tu,  
Wenn ich erwachen tu,  
Bin ich allein.

_(I'm also far from you,  
I'm by your side in dreams  
And I talk to you.  
When I wake up,  
When I wake up,  
I'm on my own.)_

"Hanschen?" Ernst stopped abruptly, "have you ever said 'I love you' and not meant it?"

Hanschen's eyes met Ernst's, "never." He smiled to himself, raising his eyebrows, "I've never said 'I love you' to my wife,"

"Don't you love her?" Ernst questioned,

Hanschen shook his head, " No, I don't, but in the past, people made me think that I'd already caused too much trouble, that I should just go along with things and never try to change them, it seemed…easier, but then something reminded me that it doesn't always have to be like that," he paused, "why do you ask,"

"Last week he came round to see Ilse again, and he said 'I love you' and she told him not to say it if he didn't mean it, and I asked Anna why Ilse told him that because it made her sad and then we couldn't go blackberry picking and I-"

"Who's 'he?'" Hanschen asked, the two of them still lay side by side on the bank

"I don't know," Ernst picked at the grass, "Ilse says I'll get to meet him on a good day, but I don't know which day she means,"

Hanschen lightly nudged Ernst with his foot, "next time, I'll go blackberry picking with you,"

Ernst smiled shyly and bit his lip, staring fixedly across at the stream,

"I went to art school, in Vienna, did you know that?"

"Yes," Hanschen whispered

"There was a man there, Nicklaus, he said he loved me but I don't think he meant that," Ernst shuddered, "and then he touched me and this time I didn't like it. I told him to stop but he wouldn't-" Ernst closed his eyes, "But then Robert, in the flat above, he was drunk and he left his bath running, the whole top floor flooded and the water came crashing through the ceiling! I wasn't even wearing half of my clothes, then some other men came-"

Ernst opened his eyes suddenly, "That's why I like painting I think, all that water pinning us down, and painting –it feels like flying above it all."

"Ernst," Hanschen had moved closer now, he held the younger man's hand in his, Ernst turned his head and there faces were suddenly very close together, Ernst blushed and moved back slightly,

"What's Tiergartenstrasse?"

Ernst flinched

"Its ok, Ernst believe me its ok to be frightened, but please, tell me what goes on in there, tell me what they did and I can help fix you,"

Tears began to stream down Ernst's pale cheeks, "but I'm not broken," he shook his head, "I just want to be me again."

"I know," Hanschen stammered, "I'm sorry, I know you're not 'broken'"

Ernst began to sob, "They told me it was a hospital,"

Tears began to sting at Hanschen's eyes, he scrubbed them away furiously "and were there others, more people there like you?"

Ernst's shoulders shook, "Yes."

Hanschen reached for Ernst's cheek, using his thumb to brush away the stream of tears, if he could just get there, he could find out what they did, reverse it somehow? Then maybe he could help the dark haired boy be himself again, then they could be 'them' again. He gripped the boy's thin shoulders with firm but trembling hands,

"Ernst, get me into Tiergartenstrasse."


	7. Details in the fabric

A/N: Dedicated to people who don't realise they're still wearing their seatbelts when they try and get off coaches, you know who you are :p

The four of them walked briskly through the thin mist, down the dimly lit Berlin street. An icy drizzle assaulted their already pinched faces, numbing their fingers and stinging down their necks. Ernst's grey woollen greatcoat was fastened to his chin, messy dark hair drenched, and plastered to his pale face. But still they paced onwards. Hanschen looked across at the younger man, his eyes were fixed on the way ahead, Anna held his arm tightly, it was if she knew that something was about to happen.

He and Ernst had made a pact to tell only Ilse what they proposed to do in Berlin, Ernst for fear of upsetting Anna and Hanschen because he knew she would try and stop them. As far as she knew, they were taking Ernst to see the city in which he had briefly lived, to see if it would jog any memories.

They rounded another corner, ascetic buildings seemed to loom over the crowded street, their windows gloomy and gaping, as if the houses of Berlin were looking into their souls and finding something to disapprove of.

Hanschen glanced up at the darkening sky, he thought of his wife, on her high horse in their oppressive, stifling five story mansion of luxury to the west of the city. He smiled in spite of himself,

"We'll live and die in these streets,"

Ilse turned, pulling her purple coat a little tighter around her shoulders, she nodded, "and so we should,"

It was some minutes before they reached the small shabby hotel on the corner, a single coach light hung outside the rickety looking door. As the four of them entered the reception, setting their suitcases down, they found it cold and musty, the whole place smelt of damp and decay.

Anna reached out a tentative hand and rung the bell at the counter,

"Yes?" A thin girl entered the dank room from a side door, her clothes were stained, and you could barely see her head over the top of the desk

"You want rooms?"

"Please," Anna nodded, "but we're not sure how long we'll be staying,"

"What?" The girl scraped her hair back behind her ears impatiently; "What d'ya mean you don't now 'ow long?

"I mean, um, we…"

"'urry up, he'll be on me, if I'm late wiv his breakfast," Hanschen saw Ilse flinch slightly, Ernst reached out a hand towards the little girl's shoulder, she couldn't have been more than six years old, she shrank back,

"What's up wiv 'im?" she laughed,

"Nothing," Hanschen said rapidly, "look, we need two rooms,"

"yeah and for 'ow long?"

Hanschen quickly took Ilse's arm, "my business associate and I," he gestured towards Ernst, Ernst blinked, Anna squeezed his hand a little tighter,

"and our wives," Hanschen smoothly continued, "are attending a research conference in Tempelhof-Schöneberg, depending on how our work progresses we may find ourselves needing to spend a few extra days here,"

"Oooh la di dah," the girl teased, but she seemed impressed,

"Sign here please," she watched eagle-eyed as Hanschen signed his name, "Right Mr. Rillow you'll be in room seven and you two," she gestured towards Anna and Ernst, "will be in room thirteen,"

"Quick thinking," Anna whispered,

Hanschen smiled, "I learnt a thing or two about worming my way out of things from the Bank,"

Anna laughed, "At least you learnt something,"

The rain hammered down outside washing clean the dusty windows, faded paintings of summer days and pictures of flower arrangements littered the peeling wallpaper. Hanschen helped Ernst lift his battered suitcase up the rickety winding stairs.

"Got it?"

"Got it!" Ernst grabbed the handle and proceeded to rush up the steps, slowing himself every so often in a bid to contain his excitement at this unexplored place.

Anna hung back at the desk, making the final arrangements, Hanschen found himself with Ilse in the stairwell.

"You look older you know," she mused,

"Thanks,"

"No, I didn't mean it like that," Ilse pushed his shoulder playfully, "its just, after everything, he still looks the same, young, I mean." She bit her lip, "Hanschen what are you going to do tomorrow? How are you going to get in, what if something happens to you?"

"I'll be fine," he replied swiftly, "Ernst said it was a hospital, I know the right building, I'm going to go in, find out what 'treatment' they gave to Ernst and how to reverse it, and then get out again. Simple"

"I'm coming with you."

"Oh you are?"

"Yes." Ilse's eyes were fixed on his

"Fine," Hanschen tried to make it sound as if he didn't care, as if he wasn't worried, once Ilse had her mind set on something, it was if there was a steam train careering at ninety miles an hour towards it: there was no stopping her, "I'll take the rest of our bags up,"

"It's ok to be scared," Ilse called after him, "Anyone would be-"

Hanschen turned, even when they were young Ilse had been able to see through to that side of him, he sighed, "I know, but Ernst, he's not just anybody, God, I just want him to be-"

"I know," Ilse placed a friendly hand on his, "I know,"

"Come on you lot," Anna bustled up the stairs, balancing her suitcase on her hip, they're not to happy about you hanging round on the stairs,"

"Right," Hanschen started up the steps

"Hanschen," Ilse caught his arm, Anna continued on past them to help Ernst with the door key.

"Yes?"

"Look," Ilse seemed uncomfortable, "I hope you don't mind, but I'd prefer to share a room with Anna,"

Hanschen blinked, surprised, "of course!" he nodded, "but Ilse, I'm not exactly inclined to seduce a women I let dress me up as the 'pirate queen' aged seven to 'see what it would look like,'" he smiled kindly, "or any women for that matter,"

Ilse smiled and looked at the floor, "I know you're not," she laughed, "and you did make a beautiful pirate queen. But, I have a suitor, back in Reutlingen, I'm not sure he'd be to happy for me to share a room with some long lost acquaintance from my 'bohemian childhood,"

Hanschen laughed, "I understand," he thought of Ernst, "I'm sure my wife would say the same, but for now," he put on a mock posh accent, "we are Mr and Mrs Rillow of the Reutlingen estate! Shall we?" he offered his arm,

"Oh Mr Rillow you are too kind!" Ilse laughed, taking it, but quickly her giggles subsided, "wait," she stopped, a few steps below him, "your wife?"

Hanschen opened his mouth to speak,

"You have a wife?!"

"Yes," Hanschen whispered, "but I don't-"

"What? Love her?! Does that really make a difference?" she exclaimed

"Shhhhhh!" Hanschen quietened her, "do you want the whole place to hear you?"

She scraped the hair away from her face angrily, "don't tell me to '_Shhhhhhh_'" her voice caught, "Does Ernst know?"

"Yes," Hanschen nodded, the guilt twisting in his stomach, "but I don't think he really knows," he paused, "do you understand what I mean?"

She glanced despairingly up the stairs, "Yes,"

"You alright up there?" the sound of the little girl's voice grated through the silence,

"Fine!" Hanschen replied hastily, and then to Ilse, "come on, let's get to bed," he swallowed heavily, "big day tomorrow."

SPRINGAWAKENINGSPRINGAWAKENINGSPRINGAWAKENINGSPRINGAWAKENINGSPRINGAWAKENING

Ernst looked, perplexed, at the double bed in the middle of the room with its rosy duvet cover.

"Hanschen?"

Hanschen leaned his head and shoulders through the partially open bathroom door, wearing his pyjama bottoms, "Yes?"

"There's only one bed and there's two of us,"

Hanschen sighed a little, there were times when something like that wouldn't have been a problem for Ernst, "Ilse has packed a spare sleeping, its over there by the settee she thought it better that, under the circumstances, I should have the bed, I need my sleep for tomorrow," he explained

Ernst nodded, waiting until Hanschen had closed the bathroom door, he placed the sleeping bag back in his suitcase and closed the lid. His brain fuzzed, this reminded him of something. Fingering the cuff of his stripy pyjama top he sat apprehensively on the edge of the bed, his eyes fixed on the door across the other side of the room, as if unsure what to do next. The sounds of the city leaked in from the outside and Ernst shivered, lifting the cover he climbed quickly between the cool clean sheets and lay his head on pillow, blushing he realised that he hadn't taken his eyes of the spot where Hanschen's head had been. Flicking off the light switch he waited for the blonde boy to return from the bathroom.

Several minutes passed until, through the dark, he felt the other side of the bed sink slightly as Hanschen lay down. He reached out for the blonde boy's hand,

"Ernst?"

Hanschen turned so that their faces were inches apart, Ernst leant forwards and shyly placed a soft kiss on Hanschen's lips, they broke apart, Hanschen's breathing was a little heavier, Ernst's eyes were bright and sincere,

"Thank you," he whispered

Hanschen said nothing, but pulled Ernst close to him, resting his head on the younger boy's shoulder, Ernst snuggled happily into Hanschen's chest, breathing in his strangely familiar scent, he could hear their hearts keeping time.

"Thank you,"


	8. Love for a child

A/N: Quite a long first chapter, there are two in a row again! But keep going to the end I think it's definitely worth it. Thanks for all your lovely reviews; they're always great to read!

Hanschen woke unnaturally early, the strange light of dawn having first crept through the curtains only an hour ago. It felt as if mere seconds had passed since the night before and suddenly, like the click of a camera shutter, it was morning. He turned to see Ernst sleeping soundly, something he imagined was rare for the dark haired boy. Ernst had woken twice during the night, twisting the sheets around his thin, fragile body, screaming into the mattress, forcing Hanschen to hold him steady until he fell back into sleep. Now he seemed calmer, the thin sunlight delicately tracing the pattern of the leaves outside the window over his pale cheeks. Hanschen planted a soft kiss on Ernst's pallid forehead and, mindful not to wake him, he slipped quietly out of bed and out of his pyjamas, pulling on the spare suit and shirt that he had packed. Buttoning up his waistcoat he almost hesitated. Did he really need to go? He watched the erratic rise and fall of Ernst's, his mind was pulled back to the way he had looked at him that first time in Ilse's kitchen, as if Hanschen meant nothing to him. The ticks, hearing bells, screaming through the night, it wasn't normal. Something, someone had done this to him. "Yes," he told himself, of course he had to go.

He made it out of the hotel's front door without waking Ilse, she would be furious but this was his mess, his fault, and he was going to sort it out alone.

It was several minutes before he reached the train that would take him across the city, the carriage was almost empty, he felt the twisting feeling start up in his stomach again, but this was for Ernst, and he wasn't going to admit that it scared him. The train juddered forwards, speeding away from the station towards the south of the city where the governmental and medical districts were to be found.

He had left a short note for Ernst, instructing him to tell Ilse and Anna that the three of them should enjoy a day in the city, and then meet him at 6 o'clock at 18 Unterdrücken terrace, Vanille Street, West Berlin, his city home. Hanschen half laughed to himself, it was Sunday, the 'Hochgestochen's Bridge party' his wife would be out all evening. He had half a mind to pick up a few more of his things from home, maybe to show Ernst the painting in the living room.

The train drew into the station and Hanschen disembarked hastily, his hands shook a little, he steadied himself and walked briskly up to the steps of the square concrete building. The letters of 'Tiergartenstrasse 4' had been carved without feeling into cold the grey stone that surrounded a large imposing ornamental fountain, from which water gushed out, never once spraying over the low stone wall that surrounded the icy clear pool. Hanschen felt his fists clench; he looked upwards but the windows on each story were made of reflecting glass, he saw nothing but the reflection of the city behind him.

His feet carried him through the glass doors up to a sparse waiting area, a skinny, rat like woman, hair drawn back into a tight bun, sat straight backed at the main desk in her white starched aprons.

Hanschen looked at the seats in regimented rows, the huddled masses sat upon them, knees drawn to their chests, some rocking erratically back and forth, spit drooling down their chins, others fidgeted and twisted in their seats, staring nervously at the others around them, others simply stared into space. Some were alone, most of the nervous ones were accompanied but all seemed slightly out of place against the insipid, clinical backdrop of the neat, symmetrical tiled hospital walls.

"Yes?" the rat-like woman enquired, her lips pursed, staring disapprovingly at Hanschen's scarlet neckerchief.

Hanschen searched his brain wildly for something to say; he hadn't thought this through, "I'd like to make an appointment."

"For you or for a," she clicked her tongue, "friend?"

Hanschen glanced around, "For me,"

The woman pursed her lips further, looking him up and down, "very well," she gestured to one of the stripped metal chairs, "take a seat and a cleanser will be with you shortly."

Hanschen looked at the woman, "do you want to take my name?"

She held his gaze, "names aren't important here."

Hanschen felt his stomach twist, with considerable effort he walked smartly and calmly to his seat and sat waiting; his eye was drawn to a silver dagger, with red rubies embedded around the handle, which glistened in a glass case suspended from the ceiling. A man not much older than himself in the opposite seat caught him staring, his eyes seemed to sparkle, barely visible through a mass of tangled hair, his voice shook a little,

"Funny how people always seem to feel the need to make a weapon so beautiful," he mused, "it's like they're trying to cover the carnage they cause"

Hanschen smiled briefly and nodded, he had often thought the same. The man glanced apprehensively at the ceiling and began to drum his fingers on the edge of the chair.

"She's lying," the man blurted, "Names do matter, if they call you back for a second course of treatment, they take your name, and photograph, they send you letters, they wont leave you _alone-_"

"Why do some people only come here once?"

The man opened his mouth to reply

"Number 361?" the woman's harsh voice came across the speaker ringing through the muted sounds of the waiting room.

"Number 361?"

The man looked at Hanschen anxiously, "I think that's you sir,"

"Yes, right," Hanschen rose,

"Number 361, through the glass doors and up to appointment room seven, a cleanser is waiting for you," the woman continued sharply.

Hanschen nodded, he hated being reduced to a number, the cold clinical formality that took away your individuality had made it easier for him to push aside customers at the bank, and now it was making it easier for them to do god knew what here. He turned a corner, a red sign with white lettering stated, 'archives, experimentation and cleansing suites, café, this way' He followed the sign's arrow, he had no intention of going to room seven, or the café for that matter.

Making sure that he hadn't been followed, he slipped through the door to the archive room, the filing cabinets went floor to ceiling, once again he caught his breath, what was a 'cleanser'? Hurriedly searched for the 'R's

Reiss

Reubens

Risman

Robel!

He yanked Ernst's file from the divider, a grainy black and white strip of photos was tacked to the front. Ernst facing sideways with bruises on his jaw line, face on with staring eyes, a hand pulling back his mouth to show his teeth. The number '124' was stamped across each image. Checking to see that there was no one in the corridor he quickly opened the sleeve,

'Name: Ernst Imre Robel' Hanschen smiled faintly at the middle name Ernst had always hated.

'Age: 24' that had been just over a year ago.

'Name of cleanser: Adalina Callan' -that word again.

'Reason for internment: Committed by two unknown persons'

'Treatment programme completed:" Hanschen hesitated, 'four rounds of electric shock treatment, indoctrination, temptation and punishment experiment six." Hanschen felt sick, the words were there on the paper in neat handwriting, all that pain, all that injustice, and to someone so connected to him, someone that he knew. Laid out on the page in efficient blue ink as if it was normal, as if it wasn't hurting anyone.

But why? Hanschen's eyes skimmed down the rest of the page,

'Condition,' he stopped, the notes were there again in blue handwriting, 'not improving, mental health has deteriorated but until most recent round of shock treatment still mention of one 'Hanschen Rilow.' Electrode readings demonstrate feelings of desire surrounding this person who we can assume is male.

Hanschen's heart almost stopped, love? That was the reason for all of this? Because Ernst was a kind, loving person, and the people that he loved and loved him just happened to be male? He snapped the folder shut, sweat stuck his shirt to his back and he was breathing heavily, he wanted to lash out, to find the person responsible and hurt them, but what good would that do Ernst? What good would more pain do anyone?

He ducked hurriedly out of the room, stuffing the file in the inside pocket of his suit he made for the next set of stairs, he was going to find out how to stop this. Suddenly he heard voices in the next corridor.

"Number 361 had gone missing."

"Missing?! What do you mean missing?" an angry voice hissed, the footsteps were getting closer

Hanschen didn't stop to hear the rest, ducking in to the nearest room he hid himself in a closet of medical supplies, his heart racing, he opened the closet door a fraction. Some one had come in.

"Right this way please,"

The hum of electrical machines buzzed softly around him, Hanschen's stomach turned, he knew what was about to happen.

"Come come now, no need to be frightened," a man's oily voice reached his ears, and through the chink in the cupboard door he saw a woman guide a slightly younger man to a wooden chair in the centre of the room, surrounded by the terrible buzz of the equipment.

"You can pick him up in an hour," the man was short with tiny square glasses, Hanschen heard a mumbled 'thank you' and the door closed.

"Now," the man drawled, "lets see if we can make all these impure thoughts go away shall we?"

The boy whimpered, but he didn't seem able to focus on anything, the man was strapping his hands onto the arms of the chair.

"Third time lucky eh?" the man brushed his greasy hair away from his face and reached for two wires attached to a piece of apparatus, the waves across the screen showed 160 volts, the wires ended in crocodile clips. Hanschen watched, horrified as the man attached them to the boy's throat, he couldn't see the boy's face but he could see his body trying to twist away from the machine.

"Please-" the boy gasped, "not again-"

"Don't worry," the man's slimy voice silenced his pleas, "it's only a little shock…"


	9. Coyotes

Hanschen flinched as the man turned up the dial on the machine. 160 volts, 170 volts, 180 volts. The machine whirred into life, gaining momentum as the current ran through it, screaming louder and louder until the whole room shook. The sound filled Hanschen's head, he couldn't listen anymore- The boy's body began to shudder and twitch, his face thrashed into view, blood was starting to dribble from his eye sockets, his mouth foamed-

"STOP IT!"

Hanschen felt himself burst from the cupboard, he couldn't watch, he yanked the metal pincers from the boy's neck, pushing over the volt machine in the process, it hit the greasy man in the process, sending him crashing to the floor. Grabbing the boys hand he forced him out of the room,

"Run," he whispered, "please, don't go back to that woman, just run-" the boy looked at him wide-eyed.

"Do it!" Hanschen shouted, the boy turned and fled down the steps, the blood still dripping down his cheeks.

Hanschen rounded on the man, who was beginning to come to.

"What the hell is going on here?!" he roared

"Now let's all just calm down-" the man attempted to keep him back.

"If the government knew about this-"

"Oh," the man smiled wickedly, "but we are the government."

"What?"

He shrugged, "to honour and obey, I'm just doing my duty."

Hanschen stared at him in disbelief, "how is _this_ your duty?!"

"These people are degenerates," he hissed, "they must be removed from our society at all costs! They must be cured of their impurities!"

Hanschen grabbed the man by his throat, forcing him back against the wall, "you make me sick." He squeezed the man's throat a little harder, tears began to gather in his eyes, he could no longer contain his feelings, "Our love isn't _impure, _we are not _degenerates." _He paused, trying to catch his breath,"Show me how to reverse it."

"Reverse what?"

"Everything you done," tears began to course down Hanschen's cheeks; he clenched his teeth, "Show me how to reverse it!"

"Alright," the man gulped, "just please, please don't hurt me."

Hanschen let go of the man, who crossed hastily to a small glass cabinet, pulling a rose water decanter from the top shelf. The neck was long and twisted, ending like the gasping beak of a baby bird. The man smirked a little as he looked at the bottle, as if an idea had just occurred to him.

"Ahhh, this one, give him this, just once will do it,"

Hanschen eyed the man suspiciously,

"Come on," his oily voice slithered through the heated silence, "would I lie to you?" at that moment he reached behind him to a tiny red button, jabbing it hard with a spindly finger, the alarm sounded, red lights flashed and Hanschen knew he had to make an escape. In desperation he grabbed the bottle from the man, and, without hesitating punched him straight in the face.

"That was for Ernst," he spat.

He made for the door, dodging the broken pieces of equipment that now littered the ground, darting down the fire escape he made it out of the building. Clutching his chest to make sure that he didn't lose Ernst's file, or the decanter he made it to the bathroom of the train station. Slamming the door he vomited, again and again into the small round basin, eventually his mouth was raw. He stood shaking, one hand either side of the sink. He looked slowly up at his pale sweaty face in the mirror, blonde hair was plastered to his forehead. He reached out a trembling hand for the rose water decanter containing the 'remedy'. With a bitter smile he pulled out the stopper and, breathing unsteadily, he poured its contents down the sink. The thick liquid hissed and spluttered, corroding the metal around the plug hole. Poison.

He could hardly believe what he had just seen. Breathing heavily, he splashed his face with water, running a hand through his hair to smooth it and straightened his collar. Now he understood what Ernst's screams were for.

SPRINGAWAKENINGSPRINGAWAKENINGSPRINGAWAKENINGSPRINGAWAKENINGSPRINGAWAKENINGSPRINGAWAKENING

It was six o'clock exactly. Hanschen had been back to the hotel to change his clothes but had found no trace of Ernst and the girls. Now itching find the skinny boy, and comfort him, offer him some reassurance, and to tell Anna and Ilse what he had seen he turned the key in the lock.

"Hanschen!!" the squeals of his wife assaulted his ears,

"Oh God," he murmured under his breath

"Hanschen! Look! Your friends have come to meet me! You've never let me meet anyone from your town before!"

"I can't imagine why," Ilse smiled

Anna, Ilse and Ernst sat uncomfortably on his wife's rose patterned sofa, each with tea in a ridiculously undersized china cup, a tiered tray of salmon and avocado sandwiches sat untouched in the middle of the table. Hanschen guessed that their attempts at polite conversation with his wife had not gone down to well. She stood up.

"Why aren't you at the Hochgestochen's Bridge party?" Hanschen questioned

"Cancelled, Bernadette has the vapours!" she leaned over the table and straightened Ernst's tie, "I must say that your friends were hardly in a presentable state when they arrived here, but don't worry, I fixed them up in the servants clothes!"

Anna looked at the floor embarrassed, Ernst eyed Hanschen's wife's blue dress a little enviously, Hanschen caught his eye and a smile touched Ernst's lips.

"Well Hanschen? Aren't you going to introduce me?"

"Well, surely you've already-"

"Hanschen!"

Hanschen sighed, "very well, Ernst, Anna, Ilse, this is my wife, Ava."

"Your wife!" Anna mouthed furiously behind the woman's back

Hanschen nodded, Ernst looked sadly up at him, yet Hanschen still saw that small gleam of hope in his eyes. He couldn't look away. He had lost Ernst once before, he wasn't going to let anyone take him again.

"Ernst painted the scene hanging on the living room wall," Hanschen said suddenly

His wife looked a little flustered at the idea of having an 'worthless' artist in her five story mansion. "Really?" she exclaimed, smiling unconvincingly at Ernst, "Very well, you are full of surprises aren't you dear!" she walked across the hall towards Hanschen, leaving Anna, Ernst and Ilse sitting on the sofa, "Speaking of which, I was going to wait until your friends had gone but I have a wonderful one!" she paused eyes shining, glancing dramatically back at the three people on the sofa and then at him.

"I'm pregnant."


	10. Lucky

"What?"

"I'm pregnant!" she repeated,

Hanschen looked to the three shocked faces on the sofa and then back to his wife, "What?"

Ava forced a smile, now a little flustered, "Isn't that wonderful, darling?"

Hanschen fell heavily into a chair, his mouth open in an attempt to form words, his eyes wide he stared up at her, "How?"

His wife took a step back, affronted, "Well I-"

"How?" he repeated, still a little shell shocked. Ernst fidgeted a little on the sofa, Anna quietened him.

"I hardly think that's a suitable topic for polite conversation," she glanced around nervously, "look you're making your friends uncomfortable," she motioned with the hands, "say something!"

Hanschen continued to stare at her, a faint sadness in his eyes, "I-"

"Oh for goodness sake!" his wife remonstrated, "Can't you ever be happy for me?!"

"Why don't you fix a bite to eat?" Anna cut in, smiling hopefully, "you know, for the shock. I think we'd all feel better."

Ava turned angrily on her heal, "very well, I shall return."

"Pregnant?!" the first thing Hanschen felt was a slap across his forehead. "How could you neglect to mention you had a wife?" Anna demanded.

"Bloody hell," Ilse giggled exasperated, "you have all the luck don't you."

Hanschen shook his head, "I don't understand."

"You don't understand? Hanschen surely you read Melchior's essay all those years ago?" Ilse questioned.

Ernst looked across at Ilse, "Who's Melchior?"

Hanschen continued, "No, I mean, I don't understand how this could-"

"Well," Ilse teased, "When two people love each other very much-"

"I couldn't," Hanschen cut in, embarrassed, "After that first wedding night I could never bring myself to-"

Words failed him and Ilse placed a hand on his shoulder, Ernst turned concerned eyes on him but Anna sat indignant.

"She disgusted me," he whispered, "Just, everything she did reminded me of all the people I'd had to leave behind, and all for someone I hated." He turned to Ernst, "every time she looked at me, like she wanted something from me, I couldn't bear to touch her. It made my skin crawl and I-"

"So what does this mean?" Anna leant forwards across the low coffee table,

"The baby can't be mine; it's been seven years since we-"

"Then whose is it?"

Hanschen shook his head, "I don't know," a smile touched his lips, "I always thought I'd be the one to cheat."

"The servants have supper ready" Ava screeched from the kitchen, "I'd like you all to come and eat at the dining table, Hanschen your friends are not the most civilised tea drinkers and my nerves won't stand them getting crumbs on the sofa, especially not in my condition!"

"Sorry," Hanschen mouthed, guiding Anna, Ilse and Ernst into lavish dining room, pink silk drapes were decorated with a cherry blossom tree with birds flying from its branches, with their wild staring eyes they seemed almost imprisoned on the fabric.

"Sit down! Sit down!" Ava flapped her hands, taking the seat next to Hanschen leaving Ernst unsure, he shot a quick look at Anna who shrugged helplessly back, apprehensively he took the seat at the head of the table. Ava eyed him disapprovingly but began to cut her fillet of salmon into very tiny pieces.

The silence that passed was undeniably awkward. Ernst, having no idea in his current state, how to use the multiple knives and forks placed before him, had taken to eating with his fingers, much to the disgust of Hanschen's wife. Ilse, who did not eat meat or fish, poked the jellied mass around her plate with the end of a spoon and Anna ate quickly, as if trying to get the whole situation done with as fast as possible, throwing angry looks at Ava whenever the plumper woman turned to ask the servants for more wine.

Hanschen could not eat, after everything that he had seen that day he wasn't hungry.

"Will you excuse me?" he asked, pushing his chair back, he made for the door, walking briskly through the house he made it to the cushioned bench in the servants corridor which had long been his sanctuary.

Flopping down on the cushion, he closed his eyes.

"Rough day sir?"

The gap toothed servant was once again standing by his side,

Hanschen rubbed his forehead, "You have no idea."

The servant slapped him on the back heartily, "I shouldn't worry sir, these things always 'ave a way of sorting 'emselves out."

Hanschen nodded.

"Almost forgot," the servant turned back, "Someone rang the house today, a woman? Said she was a doctor and she heard you were having a few problems, there's nothing the matter is their sir?"

Hanschen's head jerked round, "Did she give her name?" he hesitated, "or the name of her practice?"

"No," The servant shook his head, "but she said you'd know her when you saw her."

Hanschen's hands trembled a little, could it be? "Tell her I'm going home, to visit friends, tell her I can't be reached at this address," he instructed rapidly,

The servant looked a little puzzled, "Very well sir, but she didn't sound like she was gonna give up that easy" he walked on out of sight.

Hanschen slumped back against the wall.

Ernst's skinny vivid form had appeared round the corner, he paced quickly across the corridor and flopped down next to Hanschen, "I don't like dinner parties."

Hanschen began to laugh, for the first time in what felt like days and just this once he gave him self up to the joy of having Ernst, all be it unpredictable, erratic, undeniably abnormal, but still _his_ Ernst at his side again. Ernst to began to giggle, staring at nothing in particular he laid his head on Hanschen's shoulder.

"I'm sort of glad your wife's baby isn't yours."

Hanschen smiled weakly, "me too," he admitted

They sat together for some time, Hanschen finding comfort in Ernst's steady breathing, Ernst snuggled into his chest, the dark haired boy's brain buzzed again, there was something so comfortable, so familiar about the feel of the soft fabric against his skin, about the steady heart beat that mimicked his own.

"Who do you think is the father?" he questioned.

Hanschen sighed, "God knows, someone from the bank maybe?" He had to admit he was a little shocked. Of course his marriage hadn't been a particularly happy one, there had been little sign of affection or passion but somehow he hadn't expected the woman who sat in the dining room, with all her pretences of etiquette, with all the faith she held in being polite and 'proper', to go against the values of her suffocating middle class existence.

"Anna says it's wrong to sleep with someone if you don't love them," Ernst mumbled, "but sometimes there isn't any choice-"

Hanschen took Ernst's face in his hands, "If they love you, if they're a good person," he reassured, "then you should always have a choice,"

Ernst nodded, and shyly traced his thumb along Hanschen's middle finger,

"Boys!" the shrill tones of his wife came howling from the dining room,

"Coming!" Hanschen replied, reluctantly, they broke a part and returned to the heavy silence of the dinner party.

His wife sat very still whilst they ate their second course, occasionally attempting the customary conversation regarding the weather but increasingly she fell into sullen silence. She glared angrily at Hanschen.

"Well I hope you'll be more talkative when our baby comes, I've already invited sixty people to the christening! The father has to make a speech, it's tradition!"

Hanschen stared at her, he felt a sudden anger, like a child who has been the leader in some game for many hours and has suddenly lost power to another. "What was his name?" his voice was low.

"Sorry dear, you'll have to speak up if you want people to hear you."

"His name." Hanschen repeated, turning in his seat to face her.

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean." His wife seemed flustered now

"Really?" Hanschen laughed sarcastically, "You don't know the father of your baby?"

"Hanschen don't be ridiculous!" his wife gasped

"Don't tell me I'm being ridiculous," Hanschen shouted,

"Not in front of the guests! We'll talk later!" his wife stood up to clear her plate

"We'll talk now!" Hanschen grabbed her hand, in this last moment he felt a fleeting stab of sympathy for her, maybe she hadn't wanted this marriage either. He pulled her back down into her seat.

Ilse and Anna looked away pointedly, but Ernst's sad eyes remained fixed on the scene before him.

"I'm not angry with you for cheating," Hanschen said softly, "God knows this hasn't exactly been a loving marriage, but lying to me, trying to bring a baby into a mess like this when you knew it couldn't possibly be mine." He sighed, "I don't care what your father says anymore, you can have the money my parents left us in the will, but I'm not going to be here to see you spend it."

"What?! Hanschen!"

He motioned to his three friends, "I think it's time for us to go."

"Hanschen please! Don't! The neighbours will talk!"

Hanschen shook his head, "that was all you ever really cared about," he flung his coat over his shoulders, "I'll have Mary pack up my things and send them to me in Reutlingen. Goodbye Ava."

Ilse, Anna and Ernst slid awkwardly out from their side of the table. Hanschen made for the door.

"Well, nice to meet you!" Ilse beamed, stretching out a hand which Ava refused to take. Anna gave her a quick nod and stepped round the seething woman and into the hallway.

"Thank you!" Ernst said pleasantly, "Is there any chance I could borrow your blue dress?"

Ava looked at him, affronted, "why whatever for child?"

Ernst looked at her very seriously, "Well I think it might look better on me."


	11. Butterfly

A/N: So a very long penultimate chapter, dedicated to anyone who's done the right thing, even though it was difficult, happy reading!

Ernst stretched his legs but felt the comforting arms of sleep begin to draw him back under the duvet. He closed his eyes again and turned over, pulling the covers closer around him and letting out a long, slow breath. The thin early morning sun filtering through the curtains of his bedroom in Reutlingen prevented him from sliding back into slumber and the paintings tacked to the walls kept swimming hazily into view. Ernst shut his eyes again. Strangely he felt as though he had slept soundly through the night. The sounds of village life beginning for the day could be heard outside the window mingled with the resonance of someone's steady breathing.

Swinging his legs over the side of the bed he made to open the curtains and suddenly became aware of a hand entwined around his. He froze and pulled his hand away, the figure stirred a little. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes and pushing his messy black hair away from his face he turned to see a sleeping body occupying the other side of the bed. His brain fuzzed and he tried to make sense of the series of swirling images that comprised the last week, he remembered talking to Anna and Ilse in the kitchen, then someone else was there- everything was blurry after that. Straightening his pyjamas and re-buttoning them in the right order. He guessed that he hadn't been "normal" very much in the previous few days.

He rubbed his head, that still didn't answer the question of the person who now slept next to him. Tracing the scar on his forearm distractedly, he remembered nights stumbling home from some party in Vienna, being dragged along by someone different every time, and every time hating it, and thinking of the same blonde haired boy who'd left him waiting on a doorstep two years before.

But still, his thoughts became panicked, since they'd found him he didn't think he'd- he only remembered fleeting windows of clarity, all with Anna and Ilse in their cottage. Recent memories of touch and intimacy were all platonic like those shared between a mother and her child. He glanced despairingly at the ceiling longing to remember something of last night; he peered over at the sleeping figure, hidden beneath the covers. Ernst could just make out a blonde head, he smiled in spite of himself, it couldn't be…

The figure stirred again and Ernst quickly made for the door, turning down the hall he found himself in Ilse room. He wasn't quite sure why, but the path seemed familiar to him, he supposed it was something he usually did whenever he woke up.

"Good morning,"

He sat down heavily on the edge of the bed as Ilse began to stir,

"Morning sweetheart," she mumbled, "how are you feeling?"

Ernst gave a small smile, "better thank you," he paused, "although there's a strange man in my bed,"

Ilse made an effort to sit up straight; Ernst thought she seemed pleased, as if a person whom she had missed for a few days had suddenly returned. She laughed, "What else is new?"

"Seriously," Ernst giggled with her, "what's happened these past few days?"

Ilse laughter trailed away, "I thought you said your memory was getting better?" she questioned.

"I know," Ernst scratched his head, further dishevelling his shock of dark hair, "I remember being somewhere away from here," he offered.

"Yes, good," Ilse waited expectantly as Ernst racked his brains for something else to say,

"I'm sorry," he admitted, "I don't-" he watched as Ilse began to comb out her long red hair with her fingers, "Who is he? The man in my room I mean, did I bring him home?"

She turned, eyes fixed on the floor, "That would be Hanschen."

Ernst stopped abruptly "Hanschen?" he repeated softly

Ilse smiled weakly and nodded, the change in the young man's demeanour undeniable, his thin face was now alive with a kind of feverish excitement,

"Really?"

Ilse placed an arm around his shoulders, "Ernst before-"

"Should I go and see him?"

Ilse sighed, Ernst, even out of one of his childlike states was so unremittingly trusting, so full of love for everyone and anyone he didn't always remember the hurt they had caused him until it was too late. "Why don't you wait until after breakfast, he was up looking after you last night, he needs his sleep."

Ernst nodded, "ok," he pulled himself up to sit cross-legged on the bed, "I can't believe he came back," he said quietly.

Ilse tried to catch his gaze but Ernst was already off in a dream world, she rubbed his back, "Ernst seeing as your feeling better today, would you do something for me?"

Ernst turned to her, "Anything," he said happily

Ilse still seemed anxious, "would you meet Felix?"

Ernst looked at her blankly

"Felix, my," she paused then held her hand up smiling, "my fiancé"

Ernst gasped, "Ilse! When did this happen?!"

She laughed as Ernst grasped her hand to look at the ring, "last night, just after we got home, he was waiting on the doorstep with a bunch of flowers! He asked, I said yes."

"I think I remember him!" Ernst exclaimed exuberantly, "didn't he move here from-"

"India," Ilse cut in excitedly, "but I wanted you to wait to meet him until you were, you know, at your best."

Ernst nodded, a little put out, "Of course,"

"And I was afraid," Ilse continued, "that after everything that's happened that he couldn't really love me, or once he found out about my past he'd leave but he didn't and even though it won't always be easy," she paused breathlessly, "I know we're going to be happy."

Ernst pulled her into a hug, squeezing her tight, "I'm so happy for you," he smiled, then he moved back a little, "but what about Anna, will she live here without you?"

Ilse looked away, "I don't know," suddenly she seemed to recover herself, "why don't you go into the kitchen and help her make breakfast?"

"Ok," Ernst slid of the bed and padded down the corridor towards the small kitchen, already he saw Anna at work over the tired old stove.

"Morning!"

"morning," she replied, she sounded tired, "Ernst are you feeling better?"

"Yes thank you," he took his seat at the table, "almost normal," he looked pleasantly out of the window, "I think today's going to be a good day."

"In that case I need you to go out and earn us some money," she continued hurriedly.

"Of course," Ernst agreed tentatively, it didn't seem as though Anna was in the best of moods, "I'll take some paintings to the market to sell."

"Ernst that'll hardly put food on our table for the next week," she said irritably, holding up the last scrap of bread she continued to berate him, "this is all we've got for breakfast, and it's half stale."

"I know," he hung awkwardly on the opposite side of the kitchen, "I'm sorry," he waited, feeling like he ought to stay silent, "but it's not easy," straight away he wished he hadn't said anything, Anna turned to him angrily, "being a twenty five year old who's stuck like a child half the time-"

"Well do you think it's easy looking after one?"

Ernst could feel the tears stinging at his eyes again, "I never asked you for anything-"

"Yes and what else could we have done, left you out on the street? God I don't know how we're going to carry on like this, not with Ilse-"

Ernst began to back out of the door, "I'm sorry," the tears had begun to fall, he felt a twisted pang of guilt for everything he must have put them through, "I didn't mean to-"

Before Anna could wipe the tears from her eyes he was gone, still in his pyjamas, she sank into a chair and wept until she herd Hanschen enter the kitchen. Briskly she turned around to face the stove.

"Good morning Hanschen, would you like some tea?"

"Anna? What's wrong?"

"Nothing I-"

"Anna I can see you're crying," Hanschen took the seat opposite her, "aren't you happy about Ilse and her suitor?"

"Yes," she sniffed, "Of course I am, its wonderful for her, it's just," she looked away ashamed, "I don't see how I'm going to cope on my own," the tears came in another burst, "God one night, when Ilse was out with him," she attempted to gather herself together, "Ernst wouldn't stop screaming and crying and calling out for you, I didn't know what to do, I couldn't bare it anymore so I shut him in the attic room, just to try and stop the sound. And the next day," her hands shook, "he didn't even remember, but I could hardly look him in the eye, I can't look after him alone, I can't,"

Hanschen grasped her hand tight, "we'll you're not going to be alone,"

She looked up at him, the tears still fell thickly. Hanschen squeezed her arm, "where's Ernst now?" he said.

"He left," Anna murmured,

Hanschen watched as she smoothed back her sandy brown curls, her eyelashes still wet with tears. Didn't she deserve a future? One that she had chosen for herself?

"I'll find him," he reassured her, "He just feels guilty that he might have hurt you, I'll bring him home and we can talk."

SPRINGAWAKENINGSPRINGAWAKENINGSPRINGAWAKENINGSPRINGAWAKENING

It was several hours before Hanschen found Ernst, the grassy slopes that led up to the vineyard were just recovering their lush green colour after a long drought; the grapes were beginning to swell on the branches. Ernst was going round with a basket, rapidly pulling down the fruit.

"You know this isn't you're land,"

Ernst turned and slowly released the basket he was holding, uncertain, he ran forwards and then stopped shyly; they were just a few centimetres apart. He was still a little shorter than Hanschen, he raised his eyes slowly, unsure, to meet the blonde boy's. Hanschen placed a hand gently on his cheek, moving it round to coax the back of Ernst's head towards him.

"Wait,"

Ernst didn't know what made him say it; he was already beginning to feel his body weaken into Hanschen's, but he opened his eyes and stepped back, his voice caught in his throat, "Why did you leave?"

Hanschen bowed his head, "I didn't have a choice,"

"Even when I turned up on your doorstep? I know it was unexpected and I'm sorry but I-" seven years of pain and bitter resentment came flooding out, "Why have you come back? What's different now?"

"I-" Hanschen paused as the tears stung at his eyes, "Because I love you," why did it hurt so much to say it? "All of that time I could never _stop _loving you"

"I never stopped loving you!" Ernst burst out, "but I was still the one who had to wait for you to sort things out in that oversized head of yours," he gestured to the scars on his chest and arms, his anger blazed, "Look at what you left behind."

Hanschen stepped back, he had never seen Ernst this distraught, the white lines twisted and slashed his thin body, the tears fell steadily,

"I'm sorry," Hanschen brushed the tears from the skinny boys face and pulled him close, he felt Ernst flinch away and struggled but he held him tighter.

"I've been trying to put things right," his voice came out choked, he tried to hide it, "I know Ernst. I've been inside that terrible place, to try and find out what happened to you-"

"But you don't know," Ernst pulled away, "what it's like to be locked away in there, God! They treat you like an animal,"

"I know, and I won't pretend to understand how that feels, but Ernst you can't blame me for that."

Ernst's shoulders relaxed, he turned away, head in his hands, "I know,"

For a few minutes he was very still, Hanschen moved closer, wrapping his arms around the younger boy, He felt Ernst weaken and lean into his touch, he let out a sigh, but the tears continued to fall "I'm sorry,"

"Don't be, it's not your fault,"

Ernst turned to him, smiling weakly, "I can't believe it's you,"

Hanschen gave a half smile,

"You know all those years ago, when you said we might look back on that night we spent here and think it was beautiful?" Ernst continued, they were a little closer now, their noses barely inches apart, "I always did, even though whenever I tried to paint this place it came out as a twisted horrible mess."

Hanschen laughed softly, "I love you, as I have never loved anyone," he echoed

Ernst giggled, and the tears finally stopped, Hanschen pulled him into a soft kiss and this time he couldn't flinch away. Ernst felt a release, as if his scars were healing and suddenly he felt so much lighter, as if someone was there to stop the torrent of water pinning him down, or at least to lie beneath it with him. He pulled slowly away, still clutching onto Hanschen's arms. The sounds of an ambulance siren could be heard in the distance, heading towards Anna and Ilse's cottage, the two lovers ignored it.

He smiled, and for the first time in months the smile reached his eyes,

"And so you should."


	12. If it kills me

A/N: Ok so this really is this the penultimate chapter :p sorry for the wait, I'll try and update with the final instalment tomorrow. Happy reading!

"Hide!"

"What?"

Hanschen pushed Ernst gently back behind the nearest tree, he pointed at the ambulance drawn up outside the dilapidated farmhouse, "look, over there."

Ernst looked worried now, he attempted the cross the path towards the house but Hanschen held him back, "God what's happened? Are they ok?"

"It's you-" Hanschen kept a firm hand on Ernst's chest, preventing him from moving forward, "that I'm worried about."

Ernst nodded silently and stepped back, A crashing sound came from within the house, slowly Ernst met Hanschen's gaze, dodged his hand and tore towards the house.

"Ernst!" Hanschen shouted, sprinting after him, "Ernst come back! They'll be fine! You need to stay away from the-"

"Is there a problem?"

A pretty young woman now stood beside him, Hanschen stopped hastily, glancing up at the second floor window. Her starch nurses uniform displaying the kind of pressed formality that he had come to hate. She too seemed uncomfortable with it and clutched a clipboard close to her chest. Her flyaway hair had been drawn hastily back into a pony tail and her eyes betrayed the uncertainty of someone on the first day of a new job.

Hanschen turned flustered, had she seen Ernst dart round the corner of the house?

"No, no problem," he straightened his collar, "Do you happen to know what the emergency is?"

"I'm sorry sir," she seemed embarrassed, "my boss and I," she nodded at the figure sat in the front of the ambulance, a women in her early twenties, Hanschen couldn't see her face, "have just been transferred to um, monitor, this service from an independent perspective." She paused breathlessly, "we're not allowed to disclose patient information."

"Right, thank you," Hanschen gave her a nod and made a sprint for the back of the house, he caught Ernst just as he was about to enter the back door.

"Wait,"

Ernst turned to him fiercely, "Anna and Ilse could be hurt! You don't know the people inside aren't here to help them!"

"They're doctors!" Hanschen remonstrated, "I don't trust them anymore! What if they're here for you?"

Ernst looked angrily at the floor, "I've had enough," he began slowly, "of people telling me what to do. Something might have happened to Anna and Ilse, who've looked after me for the last six months, as if I was their own child! If there's even the slightest chance that they're in danger, I need to help them!"

"You're not listening!" Hanschen argued, "They'll take you away back to-"

"You're being paranoid!" Ernst cut in angrily, "let me make my own decisions!"

"back to Tiergartenstrasse!"

Ernst closed his eyes, Hanschen could see tears flooding from beneath his dark lashes, "Those bloody bells again," clenching his firsts he sank helplessly to the ground, "It hasn't been easy for them," he said softly, "I was stupid, I barely even thought of that until this morning, I should have worked harder, whenever I was normal I should have done more to help I-"

Hanschen bent down to Ernst's level, "All that matters now is keeping safe," he persisted, "Ernst you can't be around to help them if they lock you away,"

"How do you even know they're from Tiergartenstrasse?" Ernst eyed him unfocusedly, he shrank back inside his clothes and pressed his hands to his ears, Hanschen grabbed them back, he was slipping away again,

"Ernst, listen! I know I don't deserve you, you're right not trust what I tell you after everything that's happened, but please, _please _believe me. You can't go inside."

He tried to pull Ernst close to him but the dark haired boy had already slipped back into his nightmare, the light behind his eyes dimmed, he stood up abruptly and reached for the door handle.

"You are funny," Ernst smoothed a tear away from Hanschen's cheek, "we're having gooseberry pie for tea tonight. I thought you said you liked it and now you're crying!"

"Ernst, _please_, that's not-"

But the dark haired boy had already pulled him inside, "Come on! It might be ready!"

"Ernst!" Hanschen tried desperately to block the doorway to the kitchen but Ernst simply ducked around him, he eyed Hanschen seriously,

"They'll be angry if we're late."

Hanschen heard the muffled voices of the people behind the door come sharply into focus before he saw them. A doctor in his late forties with greying hair and a long white coat, and a younger man and woman stood in the centre of the room.

"You can't just come barging into people's houses! I'm telling you we haven't seen him in-"

Anna stopped mid sentence as she saw Ernst enter, she tried to motion him to leave but the young woman turned her greasy head, "Sir," she smirked triumphantly and stroked the arm of the older doctor, "I think we have a live one."

"No!" Ilse stood up and quickly crossed the room, "that isn't him, that isn't Ernst Robel, that's Otto, an old family friend."

Ernst fiddled with the edge of his coat, "Ilse you shouldn't lie, it's against the rules."

Ilse hushed him; Hanschen stepped out into the room, "I'm afraid Otto took a slight fall on our way to the market," he lied smoothly, "he's a little concussed."

The young woman pursed her lips and smoothed her tight bun of greasy hair; she took a folder from her bag and began to flip through it.

"I'll take a look at him," the grey haired man said curtly, walking briskly towards Ernst who cowered against the back wall,

"That won't be necessary," Hanschen stepped in front of him, "I know a thing or two about head injuries. I'll look him over and bring him straight to the hospital if I find any damage."

"Very well," the older doctor did not seem convinced.

"The file on Ernst Robel seems to have gone missing sir," the young woman barked.

"Don't be ridiculous Frauline Miststück, in two years you haven't misplaced a file!" the old man wrenched the folder from her hands and began to rifle through it. "We need those identification photos!"

The young woman's male counterpart looked smugly as if he had just realised something, he turned to his superior "If I may apologise for Frauline Miststück's incompetence sir, _I've_ noticed that this gentlemen here," he gestured towards Hanschen, "bears a striking resemblance to patient number 361 who, evaded our services, just last week."

"Ahhh yes," the greying doctor turned to Hanschen in slow realisation, placing the folder back into his medicine bag "very good Herr Unehelich, I shall mention your keen eye to my colleagues."

The younger man smirked, "Shall I take him to the ambulance sir?"

Hanschen backed against the wall, "Now wait a minute-"

"How can you even be sure they're the same person?" Ilse demanded, "You said yourself there's only a resemblance!"

The front door suddenly jerked open, as if someone had been lingering outside for some time, "Is everything alright?" the young girl Hanschen recognised from earlier spoke up.

"Fine Lucie! Fine!" the older doctor snapped, angrily motioning for her to close the door, she retreated uncertainly. He turned to the four hesitant figures, he looked straight at Hanschen "You are coming with us to the clinic and you're lucky we don't take you're friend as well!"

Ilse pulled Ernst behind her and threw a sharp glance at Anna. Anna quickly crossed the small kitchen and grabbed Hanschen's hand,

"But he's _my _husband, you can't just take him to Berlin!"

The greying doctor eyed her suspiciously, "Who said anything about Berlin?"

Anna dropped Hanschen's hand flustered, "No one, I-"

The younger man raised his eyes brows, "I think this conversation is over."

"Not so fast," the doctor closed in on Anna, "if you know something about Berlin then I think it might be best if you accompanied your 'husband'"

"No!" Hanschen burst out, "she doesn't know anything about Berlin. She just comes out with strange things sometimes," he backed towards the door, he saw Ernst's frightened face hiding behind Ilse shoulder,

"I don't want Hanschen to go," he murmured, Ilse hushed him, shielding his thin body from the view of the doctors.

"I'm not going anywhere," Hanschen turned and bolted through the hallway, he heard a crash as the three officials scrambled after him. Breathless he pelted across the back garden and, heart pounding, fumbled with the lock on the gate. He could hear footsteps sprinting closer.

"Come on! Come on!" he urged the bolt, finally wrenching it from the rust with shaking hands, he got the gate open, the doctors were getting closer and closer, he was through!

A stray piece of metal caught the wool of his jumper, pulling him roughly backwards, he yanked himself free but the effort sent him staggering, he stumbled on the rocky slope that lead down to the path and all too suddenly he felt an hand close around his upper arm. He struggled to twist himself free but he soon felt the jab of a needle in his neck, the world span and he sunk sideways. He felt rain wet his face and the click of handcuffs round his wrist, he struggled harder trying desperately to throw the man off but movement was becoming more difficult, as if he were running through water.

He could hear muted screaming from behind him, the sound buzzed in his ears. Ernst had torn free of Ilse's arms and was running down the path only to be thrown to the ground by a shove from the doctor. Hanschen watched helplessly as the younger woman forced Ernst's arms into a straight jacket, binding it too tightly and pushing him back towards Anna and Ilse who had run from the house.

"Stop!" Ilse screamed after the them, as Anna fell to her knees to untie Ernst's bindings, "You don't know what you're doing, _please!_"

The doctors carried Hanschen's limp body roughly to the vehicle. The young uncertain girl and her boss were already seated in the front of the ambulance, the driver's seat was vacant; Ilse saw the older woman turn slightly to see what the commotion was,

"Thea?"

Ilse blinked, the woman had turned away and was saying something to the girl beside her. She could just make out a pair of wire framed glasses-

"Thea!" she shouted, starting forwards as the two men bundled Hanschen into the back of the ambulance, but the glass was to thick, the young girl scribbled furiously as Thea spoke on intently in the front seat. The greasy haired woman hitched herself up into the driver's seat and the conversation ceased abruptly.

"THEA PLEASE!" the final cry tore from Ilse's throat with such violence that she saw the woman look up. It was her, she was certain. Thea's eyes widened behind their wire frames as she saw the slim woman in her vivid green dress, wild red hair whipping around her shoulders, fade slowly through the rain into the distance as the ambulance drove hurriedly away.


	13. A beautiful mess

A/N: Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed along the way, quite frankly my dears, you've been fantastic and I really hope you enjoy this final chapter :]

"_What a beautiful mess this is. It's like picking up trash in dresses_

_And through timeless words, and priceless pictures  
We'll fly like birds not of this earth  
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure  
But that's no concern when we're wounded together  
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts  
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it_

_What a beautiful mess this is. It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes"_

"Quick!" Ilse turned to Anna who was still working on the ties keeping Ernst on the ground.

"What now?" Anna pleaded with the older girl, "he's gone! They've taken him! There's nothing we can do-"

Ilse ran back along the muddy path, and fell to her knees in the rain; she held Ernst's pale face close to her chest, breathing heavily, "We've got to get to Berlin." She too began to fumble with the straps of the jacket as Ernst continued his attempts to wriggle free.

"Berlin?" Anna exasperated, "Ilse are you mad? We don't even have the money to put breakfast on our table, let alone travel that far!"

Ilse raised and eyebrow, "Felix forgot his wallet the other day…"

Ernst looked shocked, he raised his thin face from Ilse's chest, "That's stealing!"

"Well as if he's going to mind!" Ilse retorted, helping him to his feet, "we're rescuing someone!"

Ernst brushed down his clothes and threw off the last of the straight jacket, "we are?"

Ilse looked at her two friends, Anna seemed nervous but resolute, and Ernst's young face was feverish with excitement. She slung one arm around each of their shoulders. They we're a team, it felt like they always had been, and they were going to sort everything out. "Yes," she nodded decisively, "we are."

It was late afternoon by the time the three of them reached the city. The train had been expensive but Ilse had scraped together enough money to buy them each a pastry. Anna's lay half eaten on the window sill, raspberry jam dripping onto the seat cushion, Ernst and Ilse had left theirs untouched.

"Come on Ernst eat up," Anna's tone betrayed her worry. She had never even been to this terrible place, they had to find Hanschen, keep Ernst safe- there was so much to pull off it seemed impossible.

"Ilse hasn't eaten hers," Ernst protested, pointing to the slice of apple strudel now congealing on top of their luggage, "and my tummy feels strange." He paused, "Hanschen will be alright, won't he?"

Anna forced a smile, and began to cut Ernst's pastry up into tiny bite sized mouthfuls, she didn't know what to tell him, she sighed, "I don't know."

Ilse had said little throughout the journey, staring fixedly out of the window and occasionally offering a comforting arm to Ernst, who sat very still, tears falling steadily down his cheeks.

"We're nearly there," she broke the ensuing silence and began to gather together the few things that they had packed.

The three of them made their way towards the exit and waited for the train to come to a standstill. The noise of the city buzzed through Ernst's head, he clutched at Ilse's arm.

"Woodruff! Fresh Woodruff left over from today's market" someone shouted,

A drunk swerved towards them, "Ahhhh, one man two women!" she slurred, "lucky man!"

Ernst stepped back abruptly, knocking Anna into a fat man with a cane, "How much?" he leered.

"Let's get out of here," Ilse murmured, grabbing Anna's arm. They navigated the maze of dark streets with difficulty, stumbling through the night until they reached they place that Hanschen had described to them. The reflecting glass meant they couldn't tell if any rooms inside the imposing grey building were lit, but the fountain continued to buzz and hum outside. The three of them made there way cautiously up the stone steps, Anna stopped them outside.

"Ok, so if we use Ernst as bait to get in, then find Hanschen and break him out,"

"I'll pose as a nurse," Ilse added, turning to Ernst "to make sure that no one hurts you."

Ernst nodded, still eying the building warily, "That's a bad place," he mumbled,

"I know," Anna gripped his elbows.

"They make people hurt, they made me hurt," Ernst tried to twist away from her but Anna held him firm.

"I know sweetheart but this is for Hanschen and I know you might not know it right now but you love him, and you'll never forgive yourself if you don't go back in there."

Ernst looked at her seriously; he nodded, "ok."

They made their way into the building, Anna and Ernst walking a little way in front; as they made their way up to the desk Ilse ducked behind a pillar and stole into a side room.

"Can I help you?" the piercingly high voice came from a man seated at the front desk, he was completely bald and held a gold fountain pen between his chubby fingers.

Anna grasped Ernst's hand tight, "Yes," she brushed the hair from her eyes, "I've come to admit my, my husband."

"Take number 372 to a seat and a cleanser will be with him shortly"

Anna felt Ernst shudder beside her, his panicked face looked paler than she had ever seen it, beads of sweat started to drip down his forehead, he looked sick.

"Is there a toilet we can use?" she questioned quickly.

The bald man did not look pleased, grudgingly he handed her a small key on a leather chain, "Through those doors," he pointed a fat arm to an opening to the right of his desk.

"Thank you," Anna grabbed the key and led a shaking Ernst deeper into the building.

"Anna I don't like it here," he mumbled, his head lolling into her, eyes wide and staring, "they do bad things here, my head hurts and I'm not sure I-"

He wretched but Ilse, now clad in full nurses uniform, appeared from a side room, grabbed his chest and pulled him upright, "Its ok," she lightly stroked his hair and Ernst began to recover himself a little, "no ones going to hurt you here, not again."

Ernst nodded determinedly, "we've got to find Hanschen,"

"Yes," a smile touched Ilse's lips, "we've got to find him."

No one saw them as they snuck down the stairs, led by Ernst, to the patient's rooms. The dark haired boy's head pounded, voices and faces swam in and out of focus as if an electric current was buzzing through his body, distorting everything. Numbing his fingers and making it difficult to feel his way.

They turned another corner and herd a clanging come from the door of one of the cells. Someone was coming. Anna pressed herself flat against the dirty white tiled wall in panic. The floor was bare concrete and a clinical lamp threw the corridor into an eerie half light. The footsteps grew louder. Frantically Ilse tried the door to one of the rooms, it was locked. They braced themselves as the figure drew closer. They saw polished black shoes, grey stockings, a green dress and then, rounded wire spectacles.

"Thea?!" Ilse burst out.

Thea stopped in shock and nearly dropped the clipboard she was holding.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" Anna demanded,

"What am I doing here?" Thea hissed, "What are you doing here?"

Ilse ignored her, Ernst looked at the floor, "Do you work here?!"

"I'm afraid I can't tell you-" Thea began but Anna had grabbed the clipboard from her,

"One of my best friends has almost had his life destroyed by this god forsaken 'hospital' and now it might be about to happen to another, so you can forget all your protocols and tell us!" Her face was close to Thea's but the brown haired girl held her gaze.

"No, I mean I really can't," she continued, "take a look at my clipboard,"

Anna turned it over in her hands; the words 'top secret' were stamped across the heading of the paper in big red letters. Ernst frowned as he traced the words on the page with his finger.

"What's 'Insgeheim'?"

"We're an investigative organisation independent from the government, currently working to bring this monstrosity down from the inside." Thea said proudly

Ilse breathed a heavy sigh of relief and broke into a sudden smile, "Thea that's brilliant!"

Thea nodded fiercely and looked, concerned, at Ernst who was looking fearfully at the number 124, etched on the nearest cell door, "Ernst you've been here before haven't you?"

Ernst gave no sign that he had heard her.

"Look," Anna cut in, "we don't have time. Hanschen, have you seen him?"

Thea shook her head, "No, but just down here is where they bring new patients."

They heard wails and cries as Thea led them further down the dank corridor,

"It won't be like this for much longer," Thea whispered, almost to herself.

Finally they reached the end of the winding passage, they heard the slow thump of footsteps from above, they held their breath, but whoever it was passed on.

"Here," Thea said firmly, she tugged the hatch across to reveal none other than Hanschen, attempting to use a pocket knife to unscrew the bolts from the barred window. He whipped round at the noise, sending the penknife flying.

"Thea?" he exclaimed, he rushed to the thin hatch in the cast iron door. "Anna, Ilse, Ernst! What are you doing here?"

Ernst smiled shyly, "rescuing you of course."

Relief flooded through Hanschen's body, but his eyes were still frightened, "Get me out of here. Please-"

"Of course," Thea nodded.

"Excuse me!" a voice came booming from the end of the corridor, "What exactly is going on down here?" A ginger haired man was making his way towards them; his white coat was stained with blood.

"Dr Amoralisch they're with me," Thea stepped smartly away from the door and turned to face the approaching figure.

Dr Amoralisch did not look convinced, "All of them?"

"Yes," Thea nodded, "The patient is just saying goodbye to his family"

The doctor eyed Ernst, "Do I know you from somewhere?"

Ernst stood routed to the stop, his eyes betrayed that terrible familiarly of the doctor's hands, the volt machine the broken promise that the pain would stop soon.

"No!" Thea cut in, "He's new in today."

The doctor seemed satisfied. "Very well Dr Gabor, I have a patient waiting upstairs." He nudged her arm; Thea forced a smile, "Shocky Shocky!"

Anna felt Ernst lean weakly back against the wall beside her, his eyes slid out of focus again.

Thea scowled as the man lumbered away, "he's a wicked one," she fumbled with the keys. Finally the door swung open, Hanschen gasped as he burst through. He pulled the four of them into a hug.

"Thank God."

"This way!" Thea lead them through a wooden door that entered out onto a back street. The cool night air hit them hard but it was somehow refreshing.

"Hang on," Ilse caught hold of Thea's arm, "Doctor _Gabor_?"

Thea blushed and nodded.

Ilse smiled absentmindedly, "I always thought you might."

They walked briskly onwards, Hanschen supporting Ernst, Anna hurrying along beside them, "I'm sorry we didn't invite you to the wedding," Thea said hesitantly, "It's just, well, too many ghosts, do you know what I mean?"

Ilse nodded, glancing back at Anna "I understand."

"What about you Anna?" Thea questioned, indicating that they should turn left,

"Oh I'm afraid there's nothing exciting for me on that front," Anna smiled softly; "You should ask Ilse though."

"Ilse?" Thea questioned, smiling happily as Ilse showed her the ring.

"And Hanschen what about you?"

Hanschen looked across at the three waiting faces, and then at the boy clinging to his shoulder for support. He nodded at Ernst, "Wherever he goes, I'll go."

After some minutes they reached a tiny house on the outskirts of the district, the chimney stood crooked and the entire building looked as if it might collapse at any moment.

"Home." Thea smiled, "Melchior's not here at the moment, out of the country on one of his fact finding missions," she laughed, "but he'll be back soon, he always is."

The five of them crossed the threshold and sat down in a crowded sitting room. Hanschen carried Ernst to the sofa, he was shivering. He slid in and out of consciousness. The shock of returning to Tiergartenstrasse had been too much.

Thea carried him a hot cup of tea, Ernst tried to lift his head to drink; Hanschen helped him reach the cup.

"Thea?" Anna cut in suddenly, it was dark outside now and the single lamp lit the cramped room with a rosy glow. "You're a doctor,"

Thea nodded warily, "Yes."

"Could you take a look at Ernst? I mean, is there anything we can do to make him better?"

Thea didn't meet her gaze, "It's a question of time." She set down her cup of tea and stood up. Ernst and Hanschen stood still on the sofa. "His memory will start to return gradually, over a number of months or years, depending on the circumstances, he'll return to normal."

"Well how much time?" Ilse questioned, "a few more weeks or a few more years?"

"That depends," Thea continued, "I've been studying Tiergartenstrasse outpatients for a number of months now. It seems they recover faster away from the things that that remind them of their treatment, or the reasons for their treatment in the first place."

Anna nodded, "so what does that mean?"

"Ernst needs to be kept away from certain places, objects and," Thea looked pointedly at Hanschen, "people, that could trigger reminders of what happened to him and why."

Hanschen sat up abruptly, careful not to knock Ernst, "People?"

Thea nodded firmly, "If you want him to recover as fast as possible that it has to be done. You can't see him."

Hanschen opened his mouth, "But I love-"

"You have to think what's best for him," Anna cut in.

"Hanschen he's completely dehabilitated, he can barely dress himself, if it's at all possible, he deserves a better life than that." Ilse looked at him pleadingly. "Hanschen please, do you think he wants this?"

Hanschen clung on to Ernst's hand a little tighter, he closed his eyes. Ernst had the right to live a normal life. He had to let go."

"Excuse me," a tired voice piped up, "but no ones actually asked me what I want."

The thin boy pulled himself up on the sofa. His messy black hair again framed his too thin face which seemed to emit an almost iridescent glow in the moonlight. There were huge bags under his eyes and he was still shaking. He turned to Hanschen.

"I know," he caught his breath, "I said I just wanted to be myself again."

Hanschen nodded, and brought a hand to Ernst's cheek, his throat tightened. Ernst lifted a trembling hand and placed it gently over Hanschen's, he closed his eyes,

"But I can't be myself without you," tears began to fall from under his lashes, "I don't care if it takes a month, or a year. If I'm going to get better, I want it to be with you."

Hanschen tried to say something but the words caught in his throat, the girls watched them in tearful silence. Hanschen brought Ernst's forehead close to his and looked straight into his eyes, the light behind them was beginning to dim again.

He pressed a soft kiss against the dark haired boy's lips and felt him fight to keep himself conscious.

Ernst pulled away a little and gripped his lover's hands a little tighter; the tears formed long wet tracks down his cheeks.

"I'll find a way back to you, I promise." He whispered.

Hanschen saw the dark haired boy's eyes mist over, he was slipping away. He pulled him close and pressed frantic kisses along his jaw line, "I love you," he whispered. Ernst nodded and Hanschen saw the final spark of light fade from his eyes. He could almost here the noise of the bells rising again.

"Hello," the young boy turned to Thea, "my name's Ernst Robel, what's yours?"


End file.
